The bad side of me.

Because I never knew I could leave such a bad first impression.
Because I'm too confident of myself.
Because I think too greatly of myself.
And I became a joke.

Until now I don't understand why my classmates decided to keep away from me even though we were close when we first became classmates. Maybe I understand, just that I don't want to admit it.

自以为自己对谁都很好，对自己认定的朋友都给予真心，殊不知哪一天他们连话都不想跟我多说一句，能避得多远就避得多远，甚至可能还在背后说林晓菁是个多么讨人厌的人。Yes I never knew I was bitched about behind my backs and everyday that I thought we were good friends, they may have thought that I'm an annoying bitchy girl and secretly thought that "go away please who wanna talk to you". Times like these might have passed and they might not think like this anymore, they may be good friends with me now but it just makes me doubt how they really think.

Perhaps just like my mum said, 我说话太不讨喜了，太能得罪人了，太骄傲了，太自大了，骄傲到自己什么时候得罪到人都不知道，还傻呼呼的热脸往人家的冷屁股上贴。
这些我都知道，但是却从来不在乎。所以我还真是活该。
After 18 years of my life I do realize that. I easily say things that hurt others, and then I regret. 说话就是不经过大脑，还爱说。说完才后悔，甚至都不知道自己说的话让别人有多么不是滋味。Maybe I'm bitchy yes. So what position am I in to say that others are bitchy.

First impression is so important, yet I never knew I ruined it. Even though impressions change, but it never fade away, because you will always remember what was the first impression you had on a person, and if it's a bad one, you just leave a bad record down. I'm thankful they saw the good side of me when we got closer, but it just hurts when you know someone thought so badly of you before.

或许我不应该太在乎已经过去的事，但是总会耿耿于怀，总会怀疑是否还跟以前一样，总会害怕自己哪一天又做了什么伤人的事、说了什么伤人的话。

因为太自以为是了，觉得只要是和自己亲近的朋友（或者甚至只是自己觉得亲近但别人却不那么认为）都可以随便乱开玩笑，觉得他们也不会在意、不会被得罪。但是现实不是如此，不知道自己在说的哪一句话的时候，可能已经让别人觉得厌烦、让别人开始想要和自己拉开距离，而这一切，都不在自己的掌控之中。就是会突然有一天，你把身边的人都得罪完了之后，身边除了自己的影子，谁也不在了。感谢那些一直开得起玩笑的人，一直对我忍让，一直谅解我就是这么个白痴的朋友。我不知道这些朋友中，被我身上的刺和所说出的话伤了多少次却仍然愿意呆在我身边陪我，但是我真的好感谢。谢谢你们的大度，你们的体谅，你们的忍耐。I don't know if I can change how I speak or how I do things, but everyday I'm learning to think before I speak or crack a joke, to understand people's feeling before I say something, and to learn to listen rather than speak.

沉默是金。这句话不是没有它的道理。赢家总是沉默的，因为神秘，因为猜不透他真正的想法。

没心没肺，是我的性格。有好有坏，但我不想改变，而是要懂得恰到好处。我会去学习沉默，学习聆听。印象，总是在日常生活中一点一滴积累起来的，不同的小事一点点叠加起来的。世界上总会有讨厌自己的人，而我要做的，是做最真实的自己，做一个自己喜欢的人，做一个为别人着想的人，做一个大多数人都会喜欢的人。但是也谢谢讨厌我的人，让我认识到错误，认识到自己的无知，做一个更好的人。(But yes of course I have people I don't like too, hopefully they can learn something about themselves from me to make them a better person.)

Eighteen.

This post is about 2 weeks late, because I've been so busy after BT2 and couldn't find the time to write a post about me being 18.

To be honest I've always been hoping this day come faster, because being 18 means I'm legal. Nothing much I can do being legal but that just sounds cool lol. Then when I'm finally 18 I realised it isn't really all that cool. 18 means I'm an adult officially. I will need to decide things by my own, be responsible for myself and start taking care of the people around me.

This year's birthday wasn't a blast because I had 2 papers on that day and I obviously screwed up one because it's Chemistry. But nevertheless, it was a happy day because of so many people :') Didn't expect a birthday cake from 409, I was really really touched. I didn't want really mention about my birthday since it's exam period and everyone's all stressed up and going SIAOLANG. I WAS SO TOUCHED I MEAN SERIOUSLY (I thought I would cry but the situation was too hilarious LOL) Then they had to surprise me with a letter full of letters and a cute soft toy after BT when the few of us decided to go Soup Restaurant for dinner for reunion. Totally didn't expect it because it's already more than a week after my birthday, so I was really touched and I was smiling to myself when I read all the letters :> (But seriously, out of that 6 letters about 4 wrote about me having a bf??? -.-)

And of course Jiarui who did a cover of my recent favorite song Officially Missing You, gave me an album and apparently she's planning something more o.O Small presents and sweet messages from many friends (and some of them are really unexpected because I thought I'm not really close to them!) All these totally made my day :) THANKS GUYS I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH <333

But apparently these 2 weeks being an adult really didn't change much of my life other than me being one year older. I still have tutorials to do, still have to take bus to school (because I can't drive and I have no car), didn't drink beer that I thought I would and still single (LOL nah I'm fine with that) etc etc.

I can't really pen down a whole lot of thoughts because most of them are random thoughts and it wouldn't be able to make it to a post. But I would really want to thank all those lovely people in my life that made my 18th birthday such a sweet one!

 这些人，教会了我成长，教会了我爱，教会了我快乐，教会了我坚强。I'm just so grateful these people appeared in my life. Sometimes I wonder what good deeds I've done in my previous to have them by my side when I'm at my highest and lowest. :') 谢谢你们 ❤

Goodbye.

We used to be so close and we could talk about anything. But it was the past, everyone have to move on. I don't really want to remember what caused us to drift apart and when, but I guess it's just time. It's those lovely memories I want to remember for a long time.

Thanks for the memorable 2012. You left me with much memories I wouldn't want to forget, and honestly I enjoyed having you around. I know there will always be someone to talk to when I'm happy, sad, angry or just bored. Our friendship lasted less than a year, but it seems that we had been friends for years.

Sorry we just couldn't be friends anymore. Perhaps it's just me thinking too much (as girls always do), but I sometimes still wonder how you think and feel. But it's not important now (:

Now that you told me. And now that I calmed down.

I sincerely wish you happiness. (This sort of lift the heavy stone off my chest as well.)

So, looks like it's really time to say bye.

Bye.

Here and there

So I got my results for supp papers on the day of Open House, and YAY I PASSED!
And now the thing I need to do is to mug like a cao mugger for the whole of this year and hopefully get a good result for As and hopefully able to get into a good course. It isn't too far away from now isn't it?


For the first one and half week of school, it's still not that bad. I usually sleep before 12 and so I ensure I have enough sleep to keep me energetic the whole day. (Hey I managed to keep awake for a one and half hour talk in the late afternoon ok! It's like mission accomplished.)

And I never expected myself to complete I&I HAHA.
BUT I DID IT.
I FREAKING COMPLETED MY I&I WHOOTS.
Cos my GP teacher made me stay back till 5 everyday to do up I&I. But hey she's a nice teacher alright, I could see hope in my GP now. ^^

Not much to talk about but just a little thought from my supp papers, like who are friends that were really concerned about me.

How this Shin started good luck-ing me 2 days before my supp papers and were so concerned when my results are gonna me out. And Chunzi as well, first week of school and the moment she sees me she would ask me. Not forgetting Jun Hui and Ping! (': 谢谢你们! I didn't really tell much people about this but, they were the ones who were really really concerned and happy for me when I passed it. Which again proves the quote "secondary school friends last the longest" <3

Ok and I was quite shock when this guy in my class asked me about it on the first day of school. I assume he's the only guy who knew (He weren't supposed to know, just that he found out somehow). A little surprised because I always thought he wouldn't care much about others' results. So yea.

And some of my tkd friends as well, who knew about this hehe. Sherry practically hugged me so tightly and keep beating my back! 很感动 (':



Quite happy that I'm still coping well on J2, it's really gonna be a tough year ahead! >< Must try my best to maintainnnnnnnnn and yep I can do it! :D

2013

This post was supposed to be written 5 days ago, but because I had to take my supp papers (trust me it isn't any much different from the promos paper), I was busy mugging and couldn't start with it. Pardon my English, it has never been good. 

Looking back at 2012. 

School:

A transition from secondary school to junior college was a much bigger change than what I thought it will be. New classmates, new environment, new teachers. Everything is new. Sadly, I couldn't accept such a change and this landed to what have become of me now. 

To be honest, J1 is a year I admit that I studied the least. It is like all of a sudden, I lost my motivation to work hard. And although I tried to catch up after June holidays, it is really too late. When I finally realized I couldn't catch up with my work and went like "Shit. I just ruined myself", promos were around the corner. 

So obviously I didn't manage to promote and had to take the supp papers, which I spent the whole December holiday to work on. (And I don't think I did well since I only had 1 and a half months to relearn one year worth of topics of Chem and Maths)

I really don't want to think negatively, but it's true that there's a possibility that I'll just retain and unable to graduate with my friends (and people might just judge me.) But as what my grandma said, "you really shouldn't be thinking of what people think of you now. It's not a bad thing you retain, at least it gives you another one more year to build up your foundation." I guess my grandma's right. So if I really did not manage to promote, I will accept the fact and start all over again. 

And if just so luckily, I manage to promote to J2, I'll only have 10 months to A levels. Within 10 months, I've got to learn new stuffs and make sure I don't forget what I learnt last year. It's really gonna be so tough. And just thinking about it makes me scared about going to J2. (I'm only gonna worry about this next week, if the school tells me I passed my supp papers.)

I think I really got no excuse to failing my promos and getting myself into this deep shit. Because everyone has the same workload (in fact, I'm sure I don't have to most), everyone has this thing called PW, everyone has CCAs to attend. So I really got no reason to fail. 

Project work:

I just have to talk about this individually. Because it's something that I probably will never experience ever again. I'm quite glad I got a really good pw teacher - Mr Edwin Lim. I swear his is one of the few teachers I really like although he is so picky and particular about our small little teeny weeny bits of mistakes in our PI, EoM, InR, WR and even OP. He makes sure all of our work are perfectly done and can still be so fun during lesson time. 

And Sodaman-Go! My groupmates, woonyee, liangjun, zhixuan and yechun. Although we might not be the best pw group, but it was a really enjoying journey with them. We rushed through so many deadlines and burnt midnight oil together, esp the period after promos. I remember those times when me and woonyee were the ones doing the work till late at night in school, complaining to each other about the guys in our group and videochatting with each other to keep ourselves awake. How zhixuan was hospitalized so we had to have our pw meeting in the hospital (which became the most unproductive session). All the interviewing sessions we tried so hard to get, and going down personally to interview someone. Not forgetting translating our surveys into Tamil and Bangladeshi language for the construction workers to do. It was difficult and all, but that sense of accomplishment we got, when we achieved a certain aim, was great. Even until our last lap of the journey, OP, we worked so hard for it, helping each other to think of questions and familiarizing the scripts.

Project Work is really something that you would love and hate at the same time. All the fun I had doing pw with my groupmates, while rushing to finish before the deadlines. When you finally finish a draft and it comes back with so much to edit. 

It's like a roller coaster ride, I would say, you never know how exciting (or 'exciting') it could get the next second. 

Friends:

Well, like most of Love<3 mentioned, new school, new class, new friends. But even so, there isn't any of my new friends or classmates made that make me feel as warm as what 409 brought to me in the past two years.

And I really do miss 409 a lot a lot. It is really really true that "friends made in secondary school will be friends that last the longest". (I know this point has been reiterated many times by Love<3, but I just have to say it again). I'm really thankful to have them in my life, and always cheering me up when I felt sad or depressed. Thank you JH, G, P, S and YH for coming into my life. It has been a year full of ups and downs, and I'm grateful to have you guys accompanying me by my side, listening to my crazy rants or when I had my emotional times (': All the birthday celebrations, the sudden poke/hug when we see each other in school, or even a short gossip session is so precious to me. We didn't had much time to always have chats, but I'm so grateful that we are still as bonded as ever. You guys will be the bunch of people that will always see the crazy side of me. Always. And don't forget our dream to open a wedding company when we are older! ^^

Last year, I made many new friends from OG, s65 and TKD. There are many other lovely friends who perked up my life too. They've made my school life very interesting and I don't think I would survive J1 without them. It was always so much fun and laughter, and many encouragement too, especially from tkd. I never regretted joining tkd even though the physical training is so sick and Mr Guna never gives us long breaks. It's my first ever sports cca and I actually enjoyed it (: (Special thanks to junhui who pulled me in!)

And also to jiarui. I'm glad to have you as my sister, and I could always confide to you whenever I have problems. And you wouldn't know how many times you made me so touched. Thank you (': <3 

Family:

Last year, me and my mum fought a lot, especially the period when she got to know that I failed my promos. We weren't in good terms and I really didn't like the atmosphere at home. So I'm really thankful to my aunt who flew from Beijing to Singapore to try to patch things up between me and my mum, always talking to me and listening to me like a friend. When I came back from U.S., I could say me and my mum were like friends again (: 

Well, it's not xiaojing if she doesn't use Chinese isn't it? So just a little bit of Chinese, bear with me for a while!

2012是一个充满泪水的一年。

感动的泪，

生气的泪，

失望的泪，

难过的泪，

开心的泪。

似乎一辈子的泪水在2012年都哭完了。

所以2013年，我会更坚强、更勇敢地去面对未来的人生。

♥

A new start.

Well.
So I've decided to start blogging again after 2 years, thanks to Love<3
I'm supposed to write a New Year post since everyone (but yihao and wanline) wrote a LONG post about the New Year.

(Pingghee just suggested my url to be tankaifan omt ._.)

But well, I'm currently in the midst of something busy (which will be mentioned in my New Year post), so I don't have the time to write a long post yet.
I promise I will write it on Friday. I promise.

Ok, so at least here's my newly created blog! Yay! :D

<3


p/s I read my two years ago blog and I can say it was totally a joke, ha, times when I was still a childish lil' kid (':