Because I never knew I could leave such a bad first impression.
Because I'm too confident of myself.
Because I think too greatly of myself.
And I became a joke.
Until now I don't understand why my classmates decided to keep away from me even though we were close when we first became classmates. Maybe I understand, just that I don't want to admit it.
自以为自己对谁都很好，对自己认定的朋友都给予真心，殊不知哪一天他们连话都不想跟我多说一句，能避得多远就避得多远，甚至可能还在背后说林晓菁是个多么讨人厌的人。Yes I never knew I was bitched about behind my backs and everyday that I thought we were good friends, they may have thought that I'm an annoying bitchy girl and secretly thought that "go away please who wanna talk to you". Times like these might have passed and they might not think like this anymore, they may be good friends with me now but it just makes me doubt how they really think.
Perhaps just like my mum said, 我说话太不讨喜了，太能得罪人了，太骄傲了，太自大了，骄傲到自己什么时候得罪到人都不知道，还傻呼呼的热脸往人家的冷屁股上贴。
这些我都知道，但是却从来不在乎。所以我还真是活该。
After 18 years of my life I do realize that. I easily say things that hurt others, and then I regret. 说话就是不经过大脑，还爱说。说完才后悔，甚至都不知道自己说的话让别人有多么不是滋味。Maybe I'm bitchy yes. So what position am I in to say that others are bitchy.
First impression is so important, yet I never knew I ruined it. Even though impressions change, but it never fade away, because you will always remember what was the first impression you had on a person, and if it's a bad one, you just leave a bad record down. I'm thankful they saw the good side of me when we got closer, but it just hurts when you know someone thought so badly of you before.
或许我不应该太在乎已经过去的事，但是总会耿耿于怀，总会怀疑是否还跟以前一样，总会害怕自己哪一天又做了什么伤人的事、说了什么伤人的话。
因为太自以为是了，觉得只要是和自己亲近的朋友（或者甚至只是自己觉得亲近但别人却不那么认为）都可以随便乱开玩笑，觉得他们也不会在意、不会被得罪。但是现实不是如此，不知道自己在说的哪一句话的时候，可能已经让别人觉得厌烦、让别人开始想要和自己拉开距离，而这一切，都不在自己的掌控之中。就是会突然有一天，你把身边的人都得罪完了之后，身边除了自己的影子，谁也不在了。感谢那些一直开得起玩笑的人，一直对我忍让，一直谅解我就是这么个白痴的朋友。我不知道这些朋友中，被我身上的刺和所说出的话伤了多少次却仍然愿意呆在我身边陪我，但是我真的好感谢。谢谢你们的大度，你们的体谅，你们的忍耐。I don't know if I can change how I speak or how I do things, but everyday I'm learning to think before I speak or crack a joke, to understand people's feeling before I say something, and to learn to listen rather than speak.
沉默是金。这句话不是没有它的道理。赢家总是沉默的，因为神秘，因为猜不透他真正的想法。
没心没肺，是我的性格。有好有坏，但我不想改变，而是要懂得恰到好处。我会去学习沉默，学习聆听。印象，总是在日常生活中一点一滴积累起来的，不同的小事一点点叠加起来的。世界上总会有讨厌自己的人，而我要做的，是做最真实的自己，做一个自己喜欢的人，做一个为别人着想的人，做一个大多数人都会喜欢的人。但是也谢谢讨厌我的人，让我认识到错误，认识到自己的无知，做一个更好的人。(But yes of course I have people I don't like too, hopefully they can learn something about themselves from me to make them a better person.)
